I realised this morning that there are possibly only a handful of people that call me by my actual name. Yesterday, when I wrote ‘Janine’ in my blog, it looked weird. Like I needed to spell check it or something.
I get called Neen by pretty much everyone.
Donna Kebabs & Aunty Liz call me Neeny.
Sheels calls me Neen-a-lah.
Work peeps call me Shammers, J-9 and Janinus (apart from all the managers who actually use my real name).
Mum and Dad call me Janiney. As in Janiney, Peaniey, Pudding & Pie, kissed the boys and made them cry.
Ian calls me Ish, Smoosh, Pot, Sauce, Squish, Babe, Wifey and sometimes Macdoog or Snooge. I hate being called Macdoog. He got it from some Knights footballer, even though he claims he didn’t. Snooge is far worse and I refuse to answer to it.
As well as always being called something other than my name, I also rarely use other people’s first names. If someone’s name is long, I shorten it. If their name is short, I lengthen it. Sometimes I shorten their last name. Sometime I just add new words in. Like Ella. I could just call her Ella. But Ella Beans sounds lots better.
Donna is Donna Kebabs, Don, Diddy or Doona (well, E calls her Doona).
Ian is E. And from the day we got married I started to call him the Husband. I also call him the same names he calls me as well as honey, which he hates. But he is a honey.
Leigh is Leigh Leigh.
Sheela is Sheels, the Sheelster, Sheel-la-la or Mrs Google.
Alissa is Lis or Lissy.
Mel is Melly. Mel’s name is actually Melissa but I forget this. Someone on the weekend told me that they were in the class above me at school. I asked them if they knew Mel Williams. They asked if I meant Melissa O’Neil. I was like, ‘Melissa? O’Neil? Who the hell is that? No, I don’t know her. At which point, Husband asked me if I was on drugs.
Kelly is Kel. I think she should also probably be called Kelstar because she is a star.
Juanita is Juaneeets.
Amy is Ames or Big A.
Kylie is Kys. In my head I sometimes call her K-dub. Her last name starts with W so it works for me but I don’t think she’d like it.
Katariana is Kat or Kata.
Danielle is Wapes (last name shortening works a treat).
Claire is Clairey – this goes for my cousin and my friend Claire.
Kate is Miss Kate.
Roslyn is Roz.
Amanda is Manda.
Hayley is Hails.
Justine is Jus.
Lyndall is Chesh.
Monique is Nique.
Amber is Ambee.
Thane and Drew are Thaney and Drewby or Drewberry.
Sophie is Soph.
Cooper is Coops.
Amabel is Mabel.
Millicent is Milly.
Dominic is Dom.
Clinton is Clint.
Mum is Mumzy.
Lisa is…..Lisa. Goodness! She and her daughter Amelia are the only two people I can think of that I actually call by their names.
Apart from male friends. They seem to be different. I don’t really call them by anything other than their actual names.
David is David.
Andrew is Andrew.
Jay is Jay.
Gavin is Gavin.
Instead of me going on with this list forever and a day, let’s just agree to make first names universally redundant. In my little universe at least.