Concoctions a’la husband

Ian used to be a really good cook. And then he became a husband. Once married, it seems he completely forgot how.

With this in mind, when I go away, I try to make sure there is enough food for him to eat. But sometimes I get busy. Sometimes I forget to prepare things. Sometimes I figure I don’t need to worry since we live about 200 metres from a grocery shop and are within a 1km radius of at least 10 restaurants. That do takeaway.

However it seems that when I’m away, if  Ian gets hungry, he finds it far easier to invent interesting concoctions of food rather than simply order takeaway.

One weekend I came home earlier than I was meant to. Ian had popped out for a bit. As I opened the door of the flat, I was overwhelmed by a smell, that to this day, is one of the worst I have ever experienced in my life. At first I thought it was a bunch of dill on the counter that had gone bad. Now admittedly, I was the one to have left the dill in a jar on the sink.  However after a swift removal of said dill, I realised that the smell was still there.

And then I discovered it.

There on the counter was what seemed to be a bowl of multicoloured rice bubbles. After a fair bit of prodding, I was still unable to determine what was in the bowl. So I called E.

Seeing the house phone number on his mobile, sent poor husband into a spin. “Why are you home earrrlllyyy?,” he panicked. Well that was a relief. At least he wasn’t oblivious to the fact the house smelt rank, even if he did choose to live in the rankness.

I can’t remember exactly what my words were but if you take out the profanity, the world ‘bowl’ is probably what was left of the sentence. He knew what I was calling about anyway. And he explained with something close to pride that he’d made himself a ‘treat’. The recipe, dear friends, should you ever want to make it yourself, includes:

–          5 tablespoons of melted butter

–          1 cup of rice bubbles

–          2 tablespoons of hundreds and thousands.

Mix together, taste, spit out the first mouthful and leave the rest to go rancid until your partner comes home three effing days later.

Now this happened quite some time ago so I have always assumed it was a one off. However a few nights ago, Ian decided to further extend his foray into messing with breakfast cereals.

Feeling peckish, he perused the cupboard, selected his ingredients and this time, mixed together weetbix, tahini and date syrup. Why haven’t the great chefs of the world thought of this?

Once again, only one mouthful of this combo was consumed. This time though he disposed of his rubbish thoughtfully.

So friends, I ask a favour of you all. If anything untoward ever happens to me, will you please check in on Ian from time to time? Perhaps cook him a meal now and again or leave him with food parcels. Anything to avoid some kind of sugar induced coma from breakfast cereal combined with goodness knows what.

I thank you kindly in advance.

5 thoughts on “Concoctions a’la husband

  1. this makes me raucously laugh out loud. I LOVE hearing that story! I can certainly step up and provide Ian with a home cooked meal or two, not that you’ll ever disappear for long enough for him to starve. What gets me more is that both our husbands are intelligent enough know how to use the phone and internet to procure all sorts of things, but when it comes to feeding themselves when we’re not around, they choose to (a) make mank food (your husband) or (b) just not eat until I finally get home and then complain that there was no food to eat. It astounds me. But its highly amusing which makes it even better!

    1. Lol – thanks Mel, I know I can count on you to cook for him :)
      It IS funny how they can have high IQs and yet…..
      …..well, it’s kind of like when Jay has to go to the post office. I think perhaps I need to blog about that!

  2. Ian random food = me laughing! Ahahaha! Pass this on: something a bit more normal to do with weetbix could be to split them in half (so they r thinner) and drizzle them with olive oil and some vegemite or crush them up and add things like condensed milk, dried apricots, coconut. The danger element is not as high, but the final product might actually be edible!!

    PS, I think we could make a show bout this: ‘Ian Cooked WHAT?!!!’. The premise: provide Ian with a random selection of ingredients, and watch the hijinx unfold!

    1. Sheels…I’m not sure I would say that suggestion of your is normal! Weetbix with olive oil and VEGEMITE! No way am I giving him any further ideas. Love the idea of a TV show though!

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